Alex's patient, MRS. HAMMER, has a pain in her stomach. The pain
is so bad she thinks it must be stomach cancer. Her husband thinks it's
diarrhea. Turns out, she's a hypochondriac who took antibiotics she
ordered online to cure a self-diagnosed staph infection that was
actually a pimple. Unfortunately, the antibiotics killed all of the
bacteria in her body, including the good bacteria in her digestive
tract that's necessary for digestion. So, hypochondria ended up making
her very sick.
To my knowledge there is no scientific study to determine the
percentage of writers who are also hypochondriacs. My guess is the
percentage is somewhere around one hundred. At least, that's the
statistic in the Grey's Anatomy's writer's room. We're always asking
Zoanne Clack, the resident writer/physician, if some random obscure
symptom we've imagined could possibly mean immanent death. Like, last
week I had a lump on my finger. I was sure it was flesh eating bacteria
and I was probably going to die if she wouldn't amputate my finger. The
symptoms where present, my skin was warm to the touch. Zoanne said my
skin was warm to the touch because I was just holding a cup of steaming
coffee. She wrote me a note excusing me from doing dermatology research
for the rest of the day, but refused to do the amputation.
I'm not alone. Millions of people suffer from hypochondria. According
to some studies, around 3% of the US population is convinced they're
sick. With the Internet, hypochondriacs are able to google their
symptoms and diagnose themselves. This is great for us, but doctors
don't like it so much. The largest complaint I hear from physicians is
they spend a lot of time educating patients about drugs on television
commercials, telling their patients why they don't have some rare thing
they saw on a medical drama or explaining why they aren't ordering the
new diagnostic test that was on the news last night. Physicians have
limited amounts of time with patients and prefer to educate them on
conditions, medications, diseases, etc. that actually have direct
relevance to their patient's health. I'm sympathetic to the plight of
the doctors but let's face it, cyberchondriacs are here to stay and
even before the easy access to medical information, hypochondriacs have
been self obsessing.
My favorite thing about hypochondria is the irony of our condition. We
investigate every detail of imagined disease and vague symptoms, but
our true plight -- the hypochondria itself -- is a mere afterthought or
truth or dare confession for us. But, hypochonadrisis (the formal name)
is a psychiatric disorder and is defined in the DSM IV, the bible of
psychology. It's considered a somatoform disorder (having to do with
complaints that result in a prescription) and is defined as, "[a]
preoccupation with fears of having, or the idea that one has, a serious
disease based on a misinterpretation of one or more bodily signs or
symptoms." It goes on to say, even when doctors assure us we're fine,
we're still convinced. It's often accompanied by other psychological
disorders such as clinical depression, OCD & other phobias or
anxiety disorders.
No one is sure what causes hypochondria. There are some schools of
thought that link it to a specific trauma or a traumatic illness in
one's life. I can't think of anything in my life that would qualify as
such. But, my finger is hurting again, so I'm going to go and see if
Zoanne has changed her mind about performing that amputation.
